Smells Like Teen Something

I just witnessed something rather disturbing.

I flipped on Ellen while I was hanging out in my bedroom, and the Jonas Brothers were performing. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with the Jonas Brothers, let me fill you in (on the tidbits of info I just off Wikipedia).






There are three Jonas brothers... well, actually four, but the fourth doesn't want to be in the band. Tsk tsk. They have quickly risen to the top of Teen Girl World with their ballads and cute? looks and their friendship with Miley Cyrus on Hannah Montana. Middle brother, Joe (I think he's the one in the middle), has a balance problem; he's taken a couple of hospital-requiring spills during performances in the last few months, and younger brother, Nick (on the left), has diabetes. Not sure why Wiki wanted us to know that. They have a show set to debut on the Disney Channel soon called J.O.N.A.S. (Junior Operatives Networking As Spies) where they play - you guessed it! - undercover spy kids. How long did it take the network execs to come up with that one? And they've done a cover of the song "Poor Unfortunate Souls" from The Little Mermaid. That's almost as bad as hearing a Weepies song on Laguna Beach. (Okay, my mom is TOTALLY lost right now.)

So back to Ellen. They're performing on this huge outdoor stage in Orlando, and there are TONS and TONS of little adolescent girls screaming their faces off for these boys. Here's what disturbed me. The camera panned across the front row of these girls just crammed in like... I don't know... something worse than sardines, and one girl (you ready?) had her eyes closed and her hands raised like she was in church. The girl beside her was singing and waving her hands and crying like that Sanjaya girl last season on Idol. The next one was reaching out as far as she could to get as close as possible to these boys, even though whatever Jonas brother was in front was a good fifty feet away. I mean straining with all her might; she looked pained.

Deep breath, Kendra. I just don't know how I feel about this. Wait, yes I do. I feel sick. I remember being fifteen.



I loved Hanson. I cut out pictures of Brad Pitt and Dean Cain (yes, Dean Cain... hot in the Lois and Clark days) and put them in a little notebook. I took a picture of the TV when I was watching The Outsiders (I'm old school) just so I could always have Rob Lowe with me. All I got was a picture of the flash glaring on the screen. How did we live before the Internet? But I don't remember worshipping these people. Maybe I did. It was a long time ago. But it really makes me sad to see these little girls put so much emotion into something that's so fading.

The Jonas Brothers will be hairy and lumpy and not-so-nasally in no time, and there's no way that they can take every one of those girls to their next middle school dance, even if there are three of them. I just feel sorry for these girls. I guess I'm naive. I want them to love books and ponies and board games and making muffins with their moms and giving each other makeovers with old blue eyeshadow and a crimper. Now they all have cell phones and booty shorts and boyfriends and attitudes. Okay, not all of them. I realize I'm disparaging every female under the age of sixteen with this diatribe, but I don't mean to. I just wish things were the way they used to be.


Did I just say that? I guess that clinches it; I'm officially old. And the running count for pop culture references in this post: 15.