I take myself way too seriously. My mom is probably chuckling about that revelation (since she's been saying the same thing for years), but it's true. Sigh. I take myself too seriously.
I make lists about everything. I make lists about what I should make lists about. I document how well I did on sticking with my list and berate myself if I didn't completely follow through. Everything is quantified and justified and rationalized. Then the guilt starts.
In all honesty, it's not terribly calming to live life where you experience some measure of guilt everyday from self-inflicted tasks and self-inflicted consequences. It's pretty exhausting actually. I'm tired of being the drill sergeant to myself... and yelling in my own face has proven to be quite difficult. I've lived my whole life that way, and it's a tough habit to break. I don't leave myself any room to fail. And anything close to not doing what I arbitrarily intended equals failure. But there's no real reason for it. None.
The one place where I seem to allow myself freedom to fail is in my kitchen. When I cook, I can't go wrong. Sure, I make food that doesn't taste as good as I had hoped, but I don't beat myself up over it. I laugh, eat it anyway, and think about the next thing I get to cook. Why do I give myself such freedom with food? I don't experience that anywhere else, and that's the feeling I want to transcend my life and everything in it.
The irony here is that by writing these words, I'm making a serious situation out of taking myself too seriously. Can't I just move on from a problem without documentation? Ask the twenty-seven journals I have in various drawers around my house; right now, their answer is a clear no.
The best thing you'd ever done for me/Is to help me take my life less seriously/
It's only life after all
-Closer to Fine, Indigo Girls
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3 comments:
theres more than one answer to these questions, pointing me in a crooked line. bum ba dum dum.
great song. I love you.
oh girl, two peas in a pod.
oh, how i understand where you're coming from not so much with the cooking because i don't cook but the other stuff i've totally got you.
Kendra, After you linked to your friend's blog who's up for a blog award, I clicked her link to you to go back to your site, and I came here. (THAT was a mouthful, right?)
Anyway. I really loved this post. I just so get what you mean. And what you said about cooking being that place where things make sense because you can make mistakes and still eat what you make? Oh, I get it. I think I'm having a day, but it actually brought tears to my eyes.
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